![]() ![]() “Our studies have shown that the long-term effects of parental withdrawal are actually more disturbing to kids’ adjustment ,” says Cummings. According to parents’ records of their fights at home and their children’s reactions, kids’ emotional responses to capitulation are “not positive.” Nonverbal anger and “stonewalling”-refusing to communicate or cooperate-are especially problematic. Some parents may think that they can avoid impacting their children by giving in, or capitulating, to end an argument. As adults, they were more likely to report vascular and immune problems, depression and emotional reactivity, substance dependency, loneliness, and problems with intimacy. They found that those who grew up in homes with high levels of conflict had more physical health problems, emotional problems, and social problems later in life compared to control groups. In 2002, researchers Rena Repetti, Shelley Taylor, and Teresa Seeman at UCLA looked at 47 studies that linked children’s experiences in risky family environments to later issues in adulthood. Even sibling relationships are adversely affected-they can become overinvolved and overprotective of each other, or distant and disengaged. Most children raised in environments of destructive conflict have problems forming healthy, balanced relationships with their peers. Their stress can interfere with their ability to pay attention and create learning and academic problems at school. Children can develop sleep disturbances and health problems like headaches and stomachaches, or they may get sick frequently. Others may react outwardly with anger, becoming aggressive and developing behavior problems at home and at school. When parents repeatedly use hostile strategies with each other, some children can become distraught, worried, anxious and hopeless. In their book Marital Conflict and Children: An Emotional Security Perspective, Cummings and colleague Patrick Davies from the University of Rochester identify the kinds of destructive tactics that parents use with each other that harm children: verbal aggression like name-calling, insults, and threats of abandonment physical aggression like hitting and pushing silent tactics like avoidance, walking out, sulking or withdrawing or even capitulation-giving in that might look like a solution but isn’t a true one. It’s how the conflict is expressed and resolved, and especially how it makes children feel that has important consequences for children.” Watching some kinds of conflicts can even be good for kids-when children see their parents resolve difficult problems, Cummings says, they can grow up better off. Cummings confirms: “Conflict is a normal part of everyday experience, so it’s not whether parents fight that is important. The silent treatment can be just as bad as yelling, because it leaves unresolved tension in the air and teaches poor communication skills.As a developmental psychologist I knew that marital quarreling was inevitable but I also knew that there had to be a better way to handle it. ![]() Bad: stonewalling, or refusing to acknowledge the other person.For example, name-calling and insulting each other’s ability to be a good parent/partner are harmful ways to handle conflict. For example, one of your parents might say, “I’m angry that you forgot to take out the trash, but you normally do a good job helping out around the house.” Disagreeing doesn’t have to mean disliking each other or not appreciating things about each other. Good: positive statements despite having a difference of opinion.For example, if they think dinner should start at different times, they can compromise by choosing a new time that they can both agree on. Good fights end with people agreeing to do something differently in order to make things better. Here are the characteristics of different kinds of fighting: Other kinds of fighting hurt everyone involved, damaging relationships and creating feelings of insecurity. X Research source Some disagreements are natural and may help to solve problems. Ask them to learn about good and bad fighting. ![]()
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